So I think it would be accurate to say I have about conquered the eating disorder. I would say at least 75 percent -- if not more. Now what comes next might be the most difficult.
I'm at the stage where I don't feel like I need the extra weight anymore. I no longer need the isolation and insulation it provides. On the inside I feel so strong. I'm so ready to just be me again. But then I look in the mirror and I get so frustrated. I want my appearance on the outside to match my confidence on the inside. But.
But it doesn't. Megan http://www.peacewithfood.com says that until I make it about me and not about size, it won't happen. That attitude is apparently the actual "magic pill" that we all look for in weight loss. So instead of getting up to exercise because I need to, I'll have to get to the place where I get up to exercise because it feels good.
The thing is, I'm almost there. I am craving exercise. I'm craving the food and activities that are instinctive -- not the product of the "should monster". But when it comes to action -- something is still holding me back. At surface level, I think it's just being overwhelmed with all the things I have go on. It's having no idea how to get all the things done I want to get done. It's the age old problem of womanhood and motherhood and putting everyone else's needs before mine.
But below the surface I think I'm still afraid to let go of that log in the river. (See the Dec. entries) I'm not sure why. I would guess it's because I don't want to deal with the uncertainty of it all. If I am comfortable with myself physically won't I be even more intimidating to others? Will my relationship with my husband change? Will I have the same friends? Will all the work be worthwhile?
I know intellectually it will be OK. My friends will still be friends. My family will still be my family. But I live in fear of the comments I'll get -- the rude comments about how I looked while fat. The dehumanizing comments about "how good I look" instead "how good it is to see me" -- I don't want to me overlooked anymore. I'd like at least a few of my relationships with my family in particular to be more than surface level -- but I remember all too clearly what my life was like last time I lost weight. I felt so overlooked. This time with more weight to lose it will be worse. I know it and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it.
Also, I'm not sure how to turn my mind around. I'm not sure how to eliminate "should" from my vocabulary or mindset. I've been trying get up early lately because I want to walk. But I'm so tired, I usually just try to find some quiet time. I guess that's still taking time for myself but is that OK? I know there's a way to find a balance but I'm not sure what it is. There is a part of me that is so ready for the next and final step -- but I just can't seem to get it going. Maybe it will happen this summer when there is less stress -- but should I put off joy? Maybe I will start tomorrow.