Thursday, April 19, 2007

The final step

So I think it would be accurate to say I have about conquered the eating disorder. I would say at least 75 percent -- if not more. Now what comes next might be the most difficult.
I'm at the stage where I don't feel like I need the extra weight anymore. I no longer need the isolation and insulation it provides. On the inside I feel so strong. I'm so ready to just be me again. But then I look in the mirror and I get so frustrated. I want my appearance on the outside to match my confidence on the inside. But.
But it doesn't. Megan says that until I make it about me and not about size, it won't happen. That attitude is apparently the actual "magic pill" that we all look for in weight loss. So instead of getting up to exercise because I need to, I'll have to get to the place where I get up to exercise because it feels good.
The thing is, I'm almost there. I am craving exercise. I'm craving the food and activities that are instinctive -- not the product of the "should monster". But when it comes to action -- something is still holding me back. At surface level, I think it's just being overwhelmed with all the things I have go on. It's having no idea how to get all the things done I want to get done. It's the age old problem of womanhood and motherhood and putting everyone else's needs before mine.
But below the surface I think I'm still afraid to let go of that log in the river. (See the Dec. entries) I'm not sure why. I would guess it's because I don't want to deal with the uncertainty of it all. If I am comfortable with myself physically won't I be even more intimidating to others? Will my relationship with my husband change? Will I have the same friends? Will all the work be worthwhile?
I know intellectually it will be OK. My friends will still be friends. My family will still be my family. But I live in fear of the comments I'll get -- the rude comments about how I looked while fat. The dehumanizing comments about "how good I look" instead "how good it is to see me" -- I don't want to me overlooked anymore. I'd like at least a few of my relationships with my family in particular to be more than surface level -- but I remember all too clearly what my life was like last time I lost weight. I felt so overlooked. This time with more weight to lose it will be worse. I know it and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it.
Also, I'm not sure how to turn my mind around. I'm not sure how to eliminate "should" from my vocabulary or mindset. I've been trying get up early lately because I want to walk. But I'm so tired, I usually just try to find some quiet time. I guess that's still taking time for myself but is that OK? I know there's a way to find a balance but I'm not sure what it is. There is a part of me that is so ready for the next and final step -- but I just can't seem to get it going. Maybe it will happen this summer when there is less stress -- but should I put off joy? Maybe I will start tomorrow.


Kel said...

Wow, once again you hit the nail on the head where I'm concerned. I usually feel too tired to walk, or get on the elliptical, but I'm slowly getting a little energy back with the weight that I have lost. So far, exercise really hasn't played much of a role in the loss. It's mostly been the food I choose and how much I eat. I've been going for smaller portions, my stomach is now used to it so I now get full much quicker. Greg and I purchased good walking shoes the other day, so I can't use my "old" shoes as an excuse anymore. So the next step is to walk. I also had a reason to force myself to lose some weight, when I went to the doc, he told me I have high cholesterol and I'm also pre-diabetic. So, healthy eating for me!
The only thing I can say about people who overlook or judge you (I'll be polite here) is "to heck with them", if they are so shallow to look at physical apperance instead of your loving, caring and giving heart, then they aren't worth your time. Besides, they are the ones missing out, since they aren't allowing themselves to get to know YOU! I've had to learn that lesson over the years. I used to always worry about what others thought about me. Occassionally it still creeps up on me, but for the most part, I don't care. I try to be a good, loving person, and follow a path GOD would be pleased with. If others don't see me that way, well, that's their issue to deal with. My mom used to tell me, if people are that shallow, then they probably have a big cross to carry. So, she made sure we all learned how to pray for those people, they needed God in their life to point them in the right direction.
When it comes to comments that people give you about how you looked before and after weight loss just take their comments with a grain of salt. Some people honestly don't know how to give compliments, they try but the words just don't come out right. (Me for example, I used to always put my foot in my mouth, still learning ways to communicate better.) So, if I saw a friend who had lost a lot of weight I would probably say something about how great they look. I wouldn't intend to make the person feel that their appearance is more important, it would be more of a "good for you" especially since weight loss is a long hard battle.
You mentioned that Clem is heavy too, doesn't he have diabetes? Maybe you two should walk together, it might be a great way for you two to bond a little more. Greg and I often talk about our future when we walk, whether it's vacation plans, home improvement, or things to do with our kids.
Bottom line Karma.... YOU are a great person, I haven't known you very long, but I already consider you a person I can trust and confide in. As you mentioned to me one time, if you are "healthy" then the weight doesn't matter. If you aren't healthy, then do what you can to change that.
Once again, I'm rambling..... Sorry.
Take care my dear friend.
If all goes well, I'll get to meet you in about 10 weeks. WOO HOO, YIPPEE... I'm so excited!

sally said...

You know I love you no matter what, right? You're so gorgeous and interesting and smart and driven, I can't imagine people overlooking you.

Any time for yourself is good time, even if it is sitting and writing, rather than walking. It's still healing. And it's giving yourself the honor of attention, which we all need.

I've given up on the exercise thing until summer. I realized I didn't want any of my students to see me starting out. The Rec Center will clear out dramatically over the summer, and then I'll be able to start my transformation. But, even now, I'm giving myself time. I'm walking some, and every morning, I write for at least 45 minutes. I realized about a month ago that I was giving myself away to everybody and not honoring the woman I am.

So baby steps. We'll both get there.