Sunday, June 24, 2007

Seeeking the Sawtooths

I have spent the better part of three years healing my insides. I'm ready to tackle the outside recovery -- at least in one part of my head, I am.
I don't know if it's Vicki -- or some other voice -- or just my own internal fear -- but there is also a part of me that's scared. Scared to the point of complacency.
I had my surgery June 6 -- in hopes I'll be able to breathe better and therefore not get so tired and then in turn have more energy to exercise the way I crave. But it's taking so long to heal -- and just when I think I can take on the world, I get too tired and have to stop. I would like to just give up on my goals -- and just survive - continue as things are and see what happens around a different bend -- at a different time... but I know I have to make this trip or I'll continue to put off the rest of my healing ... well, forever.
Somewhere in the Sawtooths, I'm convinced I'll find myself again. I haven't exactly figured out where -- but I know it's there. In the north. Hidden among the granite crags and timber. As if the truest part of me went there to hide while I lost control of so much in my life.
So I have to find her again -- I have to reclaim Karma.
Here on the high desert plateau though, I'll have to gather reinforcements -- I'll have to train and prepare and be ready to find her. That's the hard part. It will mean putting myself and my needs first -- it will mean saying no. It will mean standing up for what's important to me.
And I don't know if i can do that.
Well that's not really true. I know I can do it -- I'm simply terrified to leave the comfort of the lowlands.
I know ya'll will be there with me. Each step, each moment. But what if something changes? What if I'm not comfortable being myself anymore. What if people expect more of me than I can give anymore? What if I fail?
I'm not sure why I picked the Sawtooths -- maybe it's where I spent so many wonderful days as a child. Maybe it's where I'm called. All I do know is that it has to be there.
So here I go -- with a goal of hiking in the Sawtooths probably near Redfish Lake the weekend of August 25.
I can't remember I focused on something for myself before -- at least no for a long term.
I just have to remember that I am worth the journey.