Monday, April 30, 2007

Family Day Off

We played hookie today. For some reason I couldn't sleep last night and neither could the kids. Kate got up at 3 and CJ at 3:30 and Patti couldn't hardly get out of bed. So we took a mental health day. We slept in. The kids cleaned out their book shelf. I slept some more. We found some great worksheets on line and some in our "Everything you need to know..." books and had lunch and then read under the trees in the backyard. Kate and I cat napped under the trees with the wind blowing through our hair and over our faces. I did a little bit of work and cooked a little and did a few loads of laundry and I have to tell you it was wonderful!! But then, he came home. The kids wanted to see him and missed him, but somehow the energy changes when he comes in. It always seems like we're both disappointed. I think he is disappointed that I don't have my hair done and my makeup on. I tried to ask him about his trip, but he always just sits there looking at me -- each and every time he comes home from a trip -- as if he's waiting for me to do or say something more. I had been balancing the checkbook when he came in so of course he noticed a bill from my computer guy for the wireless network on the table and got all cranky about it. There are so many good things about him ... about us. And then, there is all that is wrong. I find myself asking the Good Lord for guidance -- for some sign that I'm here for all the right reasons. The scary thing is, I have the most difficult time controlling my eating habits when he's home. Not that long ago, I realized I don't eat dsyfunctionally when I'm away from home -- from him. Tonight was no different. I cooked a big supper and didn't mean to take a huge portion, but I found myself eating too much -- as if somehow the extra mashed potatoes and gravy might somehow, magically, make everything feel better ... make sense. So I took the kids out for a walk down to the river bed after supper. I think I needed the evening air to clear out my head -- and after eating too much that late, I didn't want to sit. I have realized that I eat and then sit far too often. I eat breakfast, then sit for 45 minutes or more while I make the commute to Twin Falls. I eat lunch and then I sit at a desk. I eat dinner and then sit after supper. That doesn't seem like it's the best thing for my body, so I'm trying not to do that. It's fun to walk along the river and see what critters have left their prints in the mud. Mostly raccoons and deer -- occasionally I see a fox print or something. The kids decided to play in the gravel pits. I continued around the bend to add some more steps to the day, but the kids basically took a dirt bath. I sent them home to get in the shower -- only to walk in on three kids and three inches of dirt in the tub. How could I be mad though? Dirt is good for the soul, as far as I think. I'd rather have 3 inches of dirt in my tub, than three children sitting in front of the computer or television for three hours. I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes open -- so will head for the comfort of my bed. God willing, I'll get to sleep tonight and not have two of the three children stacked on top of me.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Gallery of Rocks

Another perfect day in the big city.
The kids and I slept in with no pressure to be anywhere today. I burned the breakfast sausage, but we had made yummy blue/black berry muffins yesterday -- so it kind of balanced out.
Did a ton of laundry -- still have too much left to do -- but finally got some uniforms back on the hanger so the kids can go to school.
CJ and I sat on the deck and read the paper -- what a perfect Sunday morning! Slight breeze -- warmth ... the birds were out. I wish I knew more about bird calls. One bird makes this beautiful song -- one I heard repeatedly growing up on my dad's farm. When I hear it now, it instantly takes me back to hanging around outside the shop -- with nothing but dirt and my imagination to play with. That same breeze, the same bird -- and the freedom of childhood.
What with all the hard work, I was forced to take my Sunday afternoon nap -- the kids interrupted me twice -- not too bad considering...
Anyway -- this afternoon we took a short drive and then a short hike in the Little City of Rocks. The area forms the western edge of the Bennett Mountains. The place doesn't remind me of a city though -- more like an amphitheater in which hikers are the show for a stone audience.(I'll load some pictures tomorrow) Then off to dinner at the local diner.
It's always fun to swing by at catch up with the town gossip.
I find myself so very conscientious of my appearance -- even though I try so very hard not to. I really want my outside to match my inside now. I know it's a process. I know it will take more than a week. I want it to be instant! I am still struggling with knowing when to eat and how much. I can't decide sometimes, if I'm really hungry or if I'm listening to a voice outside my own -- or if I'm falling into some old habit.
I find that food still takes up so much of my thoughts -- and long for the day when it doesn't. I wonder if alcoholics go through the same process. Do you ever get to the point when you can sit down and not question whether or not you're making the right choices?
The goal for this week is is 6000 steps per day and drinking more water. I think that's pretty doable.
The other thing I'm trying to figure out is managing my myriad of projects without overwhelming myself. Something I've never been able to manage-- at least not for a long time. But each brings me a little closer to the real me -- and it will be so nice to see me again.
Oh! Forgot to tell you-- I have two chapters done of my book. It started out as a biography, but I switched it to a "based on a true story". The fictional me is easier to write. I keep thinking a true story would be too painful for my family, but my intent has always been to write a self help book. But I decided it was better to start in a way that took the pressure off -- we'll see how it turns out....

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Just like riding a bike

So my step counter says I'm at 15,700 steps today. I'm tired and sweaty -- but man it feels good. My goal for this week was to do at least 5000 steps a day. I did it Monday through Wednesday -- but the numbers hardly budged Thursday and Friday. It was a beautiful day today and I got up a bit early so I could take my little "walk around the block" --3300 steps.
Of course, in my neighborhood, that means I walked down the lane to the river then through the river bed to the edge of the corn field. I followed a deer trail through the weeds to the fence line, then back around to the house.
Then off to the 4h meeting at the fairgrounds to plant flowers for our community service project. Then I hung around for a the county surplus auction. I bought an antique love seat that used to be in the Dietrich Hotel. I bought some old school desks -- the kind with the storage under the seat. I bought an old piano bench too. Saw lots of friends and had a lovely afternoon.
I collapsed a bit when I got home, but fixed a nice dinner for the kids and then went over to the dairy and dug my bike out of the garage in my old house.
The kids had been on me for a while to get it out. The last time I rode it -- gosh, I'm not sure I can remember. The baby seat was still on it and I think Kate was the last baby in it -- and she turns nine this summer.
Anyway I pumped up the tires and made my way down the lane. Just to the river and back. Thought I might pass out. I don't remember bike seats hurting like they do now. I used to ride a bike quite a bit, but that was three kids, 7 or 8 years and 70 pounds ago. I figured with the extra time I have, now that I'm won't be in counseling all the time (!) I can do some new things.
That old saying was right, you don't forget how to ride a bike. I figure if I can take it down to the river and back at least once each night, it's a good thing. Maybe by the end of the summer, the kids and I can haul the bikes into one of the biking trails in the area.
It was a glorious Saturday -- and a great start to the rest of the summer.

Monday, April 23, 2007


I'm sitting here in shock. It's a combination of awe and surprise and pride and .... wow. After something like three years and buckets of tears and frustration and fear -- through heartbreak and trial and tribulation ... thanks to the love and support and constant ear of dozens of kind and patient friends my counselor told me something I never thought I'd hear: "You're done."
The eating disorder, though it will never truly be forgotten, is done. Over.
I knew I was close. I figured she'd release me toward the end of May, maybe. But today, she released me to conquer the world using the tools I've learned, the internal strength I had buried and have recovered -- to just be me again without fear.
I can't wait. I'm a little scared but I'm pretty sure that's normal.
I keep walking around saying "wow"
I worked so hard and now I just have to live it and embrace the freedom it gives me.
I'm continually touched at the amazing people that have come in my life -- and have all loved and supported me without question or judgement.
My husband who at times who has cause me the most incredible grief I've ever felt, never once criticized my appearance and always said I was sexy -- because of who I am, not because of how I looked.
So off I go into my wild blue yonder.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The final step

So I think it would be accurate to say I have about conquered the eating disorder. I would say at least 75 percent -- if not more. Now what comes next might be the most difficult.
I'm at the stage where I don't feel like I need the extra weight anymore. I no longer need the isolation and insulation it provides. On the inside I feel so strong. I'm so ready to just be me again. But then I look in the mirror and I get so frustrated. I want my appearance on the outside to match my confidence on the inside. But.
But it doesn't. Megan says that until I make it about me and not about size, it won't happen. That attitude is apparently the actual "magic pill" that we all look for in weight loss. So instead of getting up to exercise because I need to, I'll have to get to the place where I get up to exercise because it feels good.
The thing is, I'm almost there. I am craving exercise. I'm craving the food and activities that are instinctive -- not the product of the "should monster". But when it comes to action -- something is still holding me back. At surface level, I think it's just being overwhelmed with all the things I have go on. It's having no idea how to get all the things done I want to get done. It's the age old problem of womanhood and motherhood and putting everyone else's needs before mine.
But below the surface I think I'm still afraid to let go of that log in the river. (See the Dec. entries) I'm not sure why. I would guess it's because I don't want to deal with the uncertainty of it all. If I am comfortable with myself physically won't I be even more intimidating to others? Will my relationship with my husband change? Will I have the same friends? Will all the work be worthwhile?
I know intellectually it will be OK. My friends will still be friends. My family will still be my family. But I live in fear of the comments I'll get -- the rude comments about how I looked while fat. The dehumanizing comments about "how good I look" instead "how good it is to see me" -- I don't want to me overlooked anymore. I'd like at least a few of my relationships with my family in particular to be more than surface level -- but I remember all too clearly what my life was like last time I lost weight. I felt so overlooked. This time with more weight to lose it will be worse. I know it and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it.
Also, I'm not sure how to turn my mind around. I'm not sure how to eliminate "should" from my vocabulary or mindset. I've been trying get up early lately because I want to walk. But I'm so tired, I usually just try to find some quiet time. I guess that's still taking time for myself but is that OK? I know there's a way to find a balance but I'm not sure what it is. There is a part of me that is so ready for the next and final step -- but I just can't seem to get it going. Maybe it will happen this summer when there is less stress -- but should I put off joy? Maybe I will start tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Disorderly Conduct

Perhaps it would have been easier if I were an alcoholic. Being a drug addict would have been too damned complicated. (You want me to mix what with what and inject it where???) Besides, my brother already has the market cornered on that dysfunction. Nearly everyone else in the family has been an alcoholic -- so perhaps my family would have paid more attention. Instead, they just assume I'm sitting around the house eating bon-bons while my housekeeper and nanny take care of my household responsibilities, including the kids.
OK. Yes, I have someone come in once a week and clean the house. She takes a layer off. I don't mind cleaning house when I have time, but I don't think I was put on this earth to clean. Sorry. There has got to be better stuff to do. Criticism from people who can't even see their floor doesn't really do much for me anyway. And as far as my nannies go -- I could lose my mind or hire a sitter here and there. Let's have a parenting contest and see who wins. Get off my ass for god sakes.
So now, since I'm clearly fat and lazy with no will power, those in the know are suggesting I have bariatric surgery.
I swear to God in heaven if one more person suggests that, I'm going to lose my ever lovin mind. If my weight problem had something to do with what I eat, it might be a different story. If I was drinking heavily I probably wouldn't be fat -- but would they suggest surgery? Probably not.
So it seems now I have an eating disorder, sleeping disorder and an attention disorder. Could I get more screwed up?
But here's the deal. I have the eating disorder about conquered. There is surgery available to fix the sleeping disorder. And as to the attention disorder -- I decided I would do some research and make the "disorder" work for me. I actually think the ADD thing could work with me and I think I'd be boring without it.
Everyone else can keep their judgements to themselves. This whole fat phobia thing and judgement is enough to make my head spin. I'm going to have to lead a revolution.