Monday, May 30, 2005

Taking Charge

I'm so tired of fighting. Tired of being in control. Of taking care of myself and 1000 other people and things and no one seeming to take care of me.
Today he sat in the house and did nothing. Everything is my responsibility and the ugly truth is I set up that precedent. All he had to do is say, "I know she's busy so I'll go get milk." That's simple right. Instead, while I'm busy at the other house trying to get something done, he calls and says our son is hungry and when am I going to get milk. AHHHHHHHH.
I feel like I have no choice but to live like a single person with a wedding ring. Create my own life here using his resources. I have already checked out emotionally. Someday soon I'll complete the move.
Hurting today,

Sunday, May 29, 2005


These are just thoughts I'm dealing with ....


Dear God,
I have for you a gift.
It is not mine, but I have carried it for most of my life.
It was hers, you see, and I have taken good care of it for her.
Not because she asked me, you know, but because I thought it was my job.
It forms the rolls of my belly
The round of my thigh
It has been shelter
My excuse
My umbrella
I have hidden behind it and used it as armor
But it has left my empty, tired, and void of compassion.
I have cried too many tears I found myself fetal-esque on the floor
All because I have this gift that needs to go to you
I have continued to carry it with me not wanting to feel the Son’s rays on my heart
Too afraid to put it’s protection down
But I’m done now, Lord
I do not need it. It is yours.