Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Just give me a day

Argh!!!!! Do you know what I would do for a day, just one day, when I don't regret a decision I make regarding what I make. I'm sooooo close to whipping this damn thing -- so very close and then it's like Ed and Vicki do a dance in my head and I get dizzy with the music or whatever and forget what I'm doing. It's making me nuts -- friggin' crazy!
Take today -- a day when I did really well all day -- until supper time -- when instead of having soup which is what I wanted -- ED took over my body and my mouth and I had greasy, nasty junk food -- that didn't even really taste that great -- and it was 8 o'clock and night and it's not sitting in my gut dancing a flippin jig with Ed and his pals -- and I can't sleep.
How is that honoring your body, I ask you? Within a matter of moments, I went from being in control to completely out of control.
I know Ed is getting weaker by the moment -- I know that with each step I take toward my Sawtooth (or wherever) journey he dies a slow and painful death -- but damn -- I just want to go one day without having to think about food and eating -- I just want iit to be instinctive -- and yes, I know it took me years to get this way and it's going to take a while to heal ---but I didn't get to this point without a deep appreciation for instant gratification....I want it now -- damn it.