Monday, September 21, 2009

Finding foregivenss

Could you forgive the man who killed your daughter?
Can you forgive the one who molested you.... or your child?
Have you forgiven your former spouse for breaking your heart?
Can you forgive those who have hurt or betrayed you?
Before you answer that, let's define forgiveness. I have just finished the book, The Shack by Wm. Paul Young.
It's an amazing story about love, relationship, God .... and forgiveness.
Forgiveness is something I struggle with, sometimes. There are people and situations I forgive easily -- finding it best to accept people and situations for what they are and move on.
There are a few people, one in particular, whom I have trusted in the past and am feeling betrayed. In the book, the author asserts that forgiveness is not about passing judgement or forgetting the pain someone has caused. It's not about burying feelings. Forgiveness is about letting go of the other one's throat. It's about moving on -- letting God and the Universe take care of people and matters as they see fit. It's about removing that burden from your heart to make room for other, more loving, people and emotions.
This afternoon, I took a walk -- not a long one, mind you. I set forth with a mission to let go of the anchors of resentment I've been packing around for quite some time. With each step, I dropped the weight.
In a few short steps I felt like I was on my true path. The path that lead to the light and pure love.
I had hoped, in all honesty to feel lighter than air. That I was walking above the gravel below.
Instead, I have this overwhelming feeling that this walk was just a small part of the journey ahead. That the doors opening up to me will be filled with powerful visions -- the dreams that are coming true in each moment.
The other issue the book pointed out is that we as humans spend most of our time with our heads in the future or in the past -- I know I certainly do. But spending time in what has happened or what might happen takes us off our path and away from the Light of Love.
I find myself easily distracted -- by a thread on Facebook, or an email from a friend ... anything really -- as it doesn't take much to throw me off track.
But when I tune in -- when I focus on the needs of right now -- amazing things happen. With that in mind I've been trying to eliminate distractions. No easy task, let me assure you.
I end up, really, being quite confused as disconnection seems so lonely and connection, albeit electronic seems so.... not...lonely.
While I know it seems arrogant, I feel like I'm bound for some great destiny as yet unknown. Treasures untold. And I'm close... so very close... but there are more burdens to unload. Baggage to leave behind until what remains, is pure and solid to the grand possibilities of the Universe and beyond.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

True meaning of the word....

After last week's 5K, I've been doing a lot of thinking about victories, goals and as usual, karmic destiny.
Thursay, I met with a friend and we talked about my personal victory last Saturday. He told me he'd heard a speaker once who described the original meaning of the word athlete. I don't remember exactly what he said, so I looked it up.
"One who contends for a prize" -- now no where in that does it say, "contends for the prize and wins" or "Must be skinny to be an athlete" or "must contend for a prize within a sporting event".
What if, really, we are all "athletes" in contention for the prize and that prize is: us.
Our own happiness, our own ... enlightenment. We're all athletes in a marathon and that marathon doesn't really end until we transition from this life to the next.
To really embrace this thought, I have to let go of the "athlete" stereotype created by modern definition. An athlete doesn't have to be the jocks who parked in the lot by the gym, with there confident walks and letterman jackets. The athlete doesn't to be the zero-body-fat runner who looks at you in disdain when she runs past you saying "on the left". The athlete doesn't have to be the face on the cereal box.
The athlete is ... me.
We're all trying to reach a finish line while over coming obstacles along the way. Those obstacles are not necessarily metal and wooden hurdles placed there by the coaching staff, although they're there. My obstacles are the voices of others (real or imagined) who tell me, "I can't" or "I'm not worthy" of finishing.
As I've written in the past, I named my negative voice Vicki Should. Naming her and giving her a structure has helped me deal with her...she's not some faceless voice in my head... she's a voice that I can talk to. I know she is just a part of me -- made up of negative messages I've picked up from family, media and other people who truly don't mean well -- but sometimes I just need to talk to her.
I have to remind her I'm in control, not her. That when I hear my voice instead of hers, I find Light and Joy ... I'm closer to God and the Universe and that I don't need her approval to do anything.
For a long time, I thought I'd have to kill Vicki Should in order to be free. But lately, several friends of mine have reminded me that sometimes you have to embrace your "shadow side" -- the side of you that is dark..not living in the Light. That is where Vicki Should lives in my life.
Perhaps Vicki Should is my sparring partner or the second string. She is the other athlete that makes me stronger, better than I was before. If I can beat her, drown out her voice -- then I should be able to silence the other voices (again, real or imagined) that hold me back.
My friend Bard described this as getting a sword ready for battle. The blacksmith takes the steel that is already strong -- already good -- and then puts it through the fire, pounds it straight and then puts it through the fire again and repeats the process until the sword is strong and ready for battle.
We have to have that shadow side. We have to have the dark to balance and recognize the light.
So rather than trying to kill off Vicki Should, I've decided to live in peace with her, to use her to my advantage. I now know I'm an athlete and stronger for each step in the race, so I won't allow her to control my life.
What I will do is continue steadily forth in my own marathon.

Monday, September 14, 2009

It's all in my head

Saturday morning, I walked in a 5K "fun run".
Let me back up. Over the summer I've been trying to get fit. Eating right, exercise. I have had some success and must admit that I was getting a little cocky. Plus, I had pneumonia (yes, again) in the begining of August, which set me back a ways)
I figured I was in good shape to keep up during the race. The last time I walked a 5K I was pushing stroller, my "friends" left me behind and the ambulance followed me in. I was humiliated and vowed never to walk in one of those wretched things again.
But this summer, I decided I needed a way to celebrate my new found fitness and attitude. I had planned on a hike somewhere, but the pneumonia put a quick stop to that. My lungs still aren't ready for much change in elevation.
Initially I signed up for the Womens Fitness Challenge in Boise. There will be a lot of people there and I'm walking with my girls, so it shouldn't be too bad, I figured. Then a friend mentioned this little fun run in Twin Falls to me. I figured, "What the hell?".
Surely, I was in good enough shape to not come in last. Again.
So Saturday morning I made my way down to Twin Falls, about a 30 mile drive. Two of my friends were running in it. My friend that was going to walk with me had just been laid off, so I figured she would't make it. I was going to walk by myself. There were 31 runners/walkers in teh 5K. I figured I'd come in the bottom five and that was ok. Just not last.
I don't know what it was important to me -- maybe I just expected everyone to assume I'd come in last and I wanted to prove them wrong.
Within a few feet of starting it was clear -- I was going to be last -- and last by a long way. I kept telling myself everyone else would get tired and I could probably take them on the back stretch. But I was fooling myself and I knew it.
I started to wimper, then cry, then sob.
I heard all the voices in my head: "You shouldn't have even started." "Just walk back to the car, drive away and don't look back" "Runners are mean, you don't belong here." "You are too fat to be out here, people are laughing at you. You're making a fool of yourself."
I couldn't breathe. I could barely walk.
In the background of the voices, I could hear my own voice. She was quiet at first--meekly trying to get above the fray. But with each step I took she, I, got a little stronger. I could hear her message: "It's not about where you place in the race, it's about finishing." "Just keep walking. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks." "Stand up straight, breathe! Get a hold of yourself. You're miles ahead of all those who did't even start the race."
By the half way point, I had successfully drowned out the other voices. I only heard my own voice, cheering me on. Soon, I could hear the voices of others I knew would be there, if not in person, spiritually, to support me--My friends, some members of my family. The negative tapes, that tend to play when I'm out of my comfort zone were dead--trampled by my own strength and the support of my personal cheering section.
I finished that walk. Two of my newest friends had stuck around to take pictures and cheer me through the tape. I did come in last with a time of 61.34.
I felt great that I'd finished the race. Great I'd taken a little bit of time off my usual walk. The greater victory was being able to hear my own voice and those of the people who truly love me instead of the voices that try to keep me from achieving my dreams.
Today, I challenge you to hear your own voice and to create your own cheering section. I'll be the one sitting in the front row waving your flag and reminding you that you can do anything!

Friday, September 04, 2009

Advice request

I'm in the process of redefining my life...
I know what you're thinking: "Karma, you're always in the process of redefining your life"
Ok. True.
The difference is I always start, but never really finish...
I'm thinking this time might be different... feels that way anyway...
So I'm in the process of writing a business plan of sorts... what to do with my life professionally and personally.
I know that I love to write -- that I have a couple of books in my head. I really love this blog, but perpetually put it to the back burner...I think it deserves more attention...
I would like, however, your input.
How would you feel if there were ads on this page? Should I try to join one of the bigger blog networks, like Blogher?
What would you like to see more of on this page? Should I change the name?
How can I best serve you on this site?
I'd love to get your input...please comment or contact me privately.