My God, this hurts

There is nothing worse than being lonely in a crowd. Here I am, with three kids, a husband, a job and a wide variety of friends and I feel as though I either repel or intimidate everyone is my life.
I feel panic and fear -- and know at my core I must fall on my knees and surrendar to God.
I don't want to do it alone, and the one person I would trust is unavailable. I know God does not give you more than you can handle, but I have to wonder what the plan is here. I guess that the issue, isn't it? Just trust and follow -- my inability to do so has me in this mess.
I find that I don't know who I am anymore. My friends, so sweet, tell me daily all the good they see and yet, I cannot believe them.
My shrink says that I am a child of God. What does that mean, really?

forgiveness

fatandthen

The next goal I suppose is forgiveness
I keep hanging onto this anger
It serves its purpose of justifying
the hatred and temptation
I suppose
I keep thinking if I forgive
It makes the action okay
and they are not
Lies are lies
I cannot continue living in this darkness however
and I can feel tickles of light shining through
This journey is exhausting
and yet, so appealing
the hatred and anger
just weighing me down
keeping me from the truth and freedom
that I seek
Forgivenss would lighten my burden
but I cling to the load
hoping someone will do the heavy lifting for me
but is my journey and no one elses
So foregiveness must come before I reach this summit...

universe

fatandthen

I wrote this for some friends who got married over the weekend -- thought I'd share it with you


There is this universe
that writers cannot describe
and artists cannot capture
But I see it in your eyes
and I feel it in your touch
and when I am within you
This universe and I are
one ...

Progress

fatandthen
For the first time in my life, I think, I am feeling my own feelings
My own pain
For years, I have absorbed what other people felt or thought
or what others told me I should feel or think
Now, it's mine
I was not prepared for the depth of pain
Surrounding one person, maybe two
This healing process through my addiction is far more complicated than I even imagined
It is a rich journey
for which I am grateful, certainly
I would not turn back now
I have not binged in days
I have caught myself and turned away
For the first time in a long time
I have felt the sensation of being full
and not needing more
I have turned away food and not felt deprived
It is a victorious emotion
Unsteady, yes
But it feels so amazing to be driving my own car
To feel and touch things of my choosing
I have to admit to feeling confused, sometimes
Unable to decide for myself what to do with emotions I cannot control
Craving for someone to tell me what to do with the hurt and anger and fear
But then trusting that the answers are before me
If only I am willing to watch the road...

Anger

You lied
You did something wrong
You were ashamed
So you lied
Until you were forced into a corner and had to tell me
Family secrets suck
I have given up and lost so much
Things and people I'll never get back
All because you lied
You couldn't keep your legs together
You committed the sin
But I paid the price
You couldn't take resposibility
But I am held accountable
I pity you
I pray for you
But I am done caring for you

Taking Charge

I'm so tired of fighting. Tired of being in control. Of taking care of myself and 1000 other people and things and no one seeming to take care of me.
Today he sat in the house and did nothing. Everything is my responsibility and the ugly truth is I set up that precedent. All he had to do is say, "I know she's busy so I'll go get milk." That's simple right. Instead, while I'm busy at the other house trying to get something done, he calls and says our son is hungry and when am I going to get milk. AHHHHHHHH.
I feel like I have no choice but to live like a single person with a wedding ring. Create my own life here using his resources. I have already checked out emotionally. Someday soon I'll complete the move.
Hurting today,
fatandthen

Shame

These are just thoughts I'm dealing with ....

Shame

Dear God,
I have for you a gift.
It is not mine, but I have carried it for most of my life.
It was hers, you see, and I have taken good care of it for her.
Not because she asked me, you know, but because I thought it was my job.
It forms the rolls of my belly
The round of my thigh
It has been shelter
My excuse
My umbrella
I have hidden behind it and used it as armor
But it has left my empty, tired, and void of compassion.
I have cried too many tears I found myself fetal-esque on the floor
All because I have this gift that needs to go to you
I have continued to carry it with me not wanting to feel the Son’s rays on my heart
Too afraid to put it’s protection down
But I’m done now, Lord
I do not need it. It is yours.