Thursday, June 09, 2005


For the first time in my life, I think, I am feeling my own feelings
My own pain
For years, I have absorbed what other people felt or thought
or what others told me I should feel or think
Now, it's mine
I was not prepared for the depth of pain
Surrounding one person, maybe two
This healing process through my addiction is far more complicated than I even imagined
It is a rich journey
for which I am grateful, certainly
I would not turn back now
I have not binged in days
I have caught myself and turned away
For the first time in a long time
I have felt the sensation of being full
and not needing more
I have turned away food and not felt deprived
It is a victorious emotion
Unsteady, yes
But it feels so amazing to be driving my own car
To feel and touch things of my choosing
I have to admit to feeling confused, sometimes
Unable to decide for myself what to do with emotions I cannot control
Craving for someone to tell me what to do with the hurt and anger and fear
But then trusting that the answers are before me
If only I am willing to watch the road...

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