forgiveness

fatandthen

The next goal I suppose is forgiveness
I keep hanging onto this anger
It serves its purpose of justifying
the hatred and temptation
I suppose
I keep thinking if I forgive
It makes the action okay
and they are not
Lies are lies
I cannot continue living in this darkness however
and I can feel tickles of light shining through
This journey is exhausting
and yet, so appealing
the hatred and anger
just weighing me down
keeping me from the truth and freedom
that I seek
Forgivenss would lighten my burden
but I cling to the load
hoping someone will do the heavy lifting for me
but is my journey and no one elses
So foregiveness must come before I reach this summit...

universe

fatandthen

I wrote this for some friends who got married over the weekend -- thought I'd share it with you


There is this universe
that writers cannot describe
and artists cannot capture
But I see it in your eyes
and I feel it in your touch
and when I am within you
This universe and I are
one ...

Progress

fatandthen
For the first time in my life, I think, I am feeling my own feelings
My own pain
For years, I have absorbed what other people felt or thought
or what others told me I should feel or think
Now, it's mine
I was not prepared for the depth of pain
Surrounding one person, maybe two
This healing process through my addiction is far more complicated than I even imagined
It is a rich journey
for which I am grateful, certainly
I would not turn back now
I have not binged in days
I have caught myself and turned away
For the first time in a long time
I have felt the sensation of being full
and not needing more
I have turned away food and not felt deprived
It is a victorious emotion
Unsteady, yes
But it feels so amazing to be driving my own car
To feel and touch things of my choosing
I have to admit to feeling confused, sometimes
Unable to decide for myself what to do with emotions I cannot control
Craving for someone to tell me what to do with the hurt and anger and fear
But then trusting that the answers are before me
If only I am willing to watch the road...

Anger

You lied
You did something wrong
You were ashamed
So you lied
Until you were forced into a corner and had to tell me
Family secrets suck
I have given up and lost so much
Things and people I'll never get back
All because you lied
You couldn't keep your legs together
You committed the sin
But I paid the price
You couldn't take resposibility
But I am held accountable
I pity you
I pray for you
But I am done caring for you