Thursday, August 07, 2008

And we're back...

Sometimes you just have to listen to your inner voices. OK -- you always have to listen to your inner voices. Especially when they're screaming at you.
I need to write. I need to write because it's what I do and it's what keeps me sane even though I avoid it sometimes as it's just one more thing on a very long list of obligations. But my "voices" are telling me I have to do this -- to myself and others (hopefully) along the way.
I'm on vacation and I'm miserable. It's that annual vacation with my husband where it's, as always, all about him. I've spent a week in a pity party -- just wanting to go home, but can't. Just wanting to cry for a variety of reasons -- I'll get into them later.
So today I scheduled a massage. On the way into the spa, I seeped with tears -- just being overwhelmed with everything.
But I forced myself to turn off my head and turn inward -- to be in the moment (which I totally suck at) and I walked out feeling like I just might make it -- but I can't do it alone.
I've been reading a lot of Kris Radish lately (http://www.krisradish.com) and her books are always about women and friendship and taking care of each other.
I realize only about 4 people read this and you're all people I love and cherish and since you're scattered all over the country this site seems to make the most sense. I need to get back to chronicling my life -- and spending virtual time with you.
At this moment, in this bookstore/coffee shop, all I know is that after years of talk, nothing really has changed and it's more than time to step into my power and truly embrace all that is me. I know, you've heard this all before, but I think I've truly hit that proverbial rock bottom -- it's time.
So today, I allowed the massage therapist to massage my belly. The part of my body I detest the most right now. You know what -- it has served it's purpose for me and it felt good to allow someone to touch it in a healing way.
Typically I would have just hidden beneath the sheets. But I really needed the healing touch and I did it.
My challenge to the world today is to do the same: Find that place, either within or without, and touch it. Find a way to accept whatever it is and embrace it. (OK you sick minds, I know where you're going -- and that's OK too)
I'm going to where we're staying now to watch my kids play in the water -- and know that you're there with me -- so when things get weird I won't have to curl up in the fetal position. You're like a giant beach floatie...
I promise this will all make more sense later -- but I'm running out of time on the computer.
I love you all,

3 comments:

Kel said...

Hey Hon,

You know I'm always here for you, I know we haven't talked a lot lately, but that doesn't mean I haven't thought of you.... I wish I could go back to last summer and spend it with you again. I think I would have done some things differently, like finding time for you and I to sit in a coffee house somewhere without anyone else and just talk, let go of our stresses, and talk, cry, laugh...whatever... You mentioned in your blog you "seeped with tears", I hope you give yourself some time to have a good long cry, sometimes that's what we need to release some of the built up tension, kind of a "cleansing cry". If you decide to do so, imagine your girlfriends there with you, all of us with our arms around you.
Love ya, and consider yourself hugged.
Kel

mars said...

First and foremost, are you in the Evergreen State? I bet you're over at Lake Chelan, huh? If you come to the west side, call me. I will come to you!

Beloved,I wish I knew what to say. I feel like my life is changing before my very eyes-within the span of 3 months I went back to work after an almost 9 year hiatus, I turned 40, and my Mom died. I have been holding my breath for the longest time, but am starting to breathe again. I think the only thing I can say is, remember to breathe (hmmmm, who gave me that advice in early June????? I wonder)It might be the only thing you have control of right now. I'll be here to listen, to talk...whatever you need. I love you, you know that.
Much love to you

sally said...

I'm so glad you've started writing again. I've been checking about once a week, and it's lovely to see something new here.

Talk about embracing self. I just (TMI coming, just so you know) shaved my bikini line and hit the tanning salon because we're going to Hawaii the week after next and I will be wearing a swimsuit for the first time in 14 years. And I'm 30 lbs heavier than I was then.

I haven't worn a swimsuit in all that intervening time because I worried what people would think of me. Now? I just want to play in the water, I'm tired of being hyper-aware of my own flaws. And I'm trying to be brave too.