Saturday, February 21, 2009

A sign of things to come?

I was in downtown Hailey the other day and I saw a robin.
Yep.  A red breasted robin. 
She was hardly visible -- camoflauged in some sort of tree with lots of little red berries. 
Oddly enough, the tree was in front of the Nature Conservancy offices. 
I watched her a while --every so often she'd snatch a frozen berry off the tree. She was lightning quick in her if she was hoping no one would notice. 
She, like the rest of us was soaking up the sun. Perhaps like me, the sun made her feel feisty and in the mood for a treat -- a reward for a winter survived.
So I quit my job -- for the most part -- I'm done Monday night. I'll be on call until they hire my replacement. I quit because I need to focus on some health issues and let's face it, I suck at grown up jobs. I'm wayyyy too ADD for a straight job. The full time job took a huge toll on my family and my health and cramped my creativity in a big way. I have the luxury of being able to quit without too much of a financial burden and figured since I was so freakin' exhausted all the time, I should take the opportunity to cut my losses and get out.  
I loved the job, but couldn't handle the constant pressure of it all -- waking up in the middle of the night worried about what did or didn't get's just not worth it anymore... 
The most difficult thing is trying to not volunteer for a bunch of other stuff... I just need to sit on my hands... but dang -- there are so many cool things going on -- work that's that needs to be done... I just can't help myself!
More on that later -- 
So here's the deal:
I have been diagnosed with adrendal fatigue syndrome.
You know for years, I've known something was wrong. I have always felt like didn't deserve all the weight I've gained. That I shouldn't be so exhausted, especially in the afternoon.  But all these years I just believed what the doctors told me -- I was fat. And because I was fat, I deserved to be tired, sore and depressed. Inside, I was screaming. There has to be more to it! I'm not sedentary, I don't eat that much -- especially since I stopped bingeing. 
In the last year or so, several people have suggested I have bariactric surgery. Every time it was mentioned, I couldn't help but break into tears. I just knew at a cellualar level there had to be another option.
And let me say that it has stopped being about the weight on most levels. It's about feeling human. There is still a part of me that get's hung up on the numbers, but 75% of the time, sometimes event 90 % of the time, I don't care that much. 
I'm not a sideline mom. I'm not the mom that watches while the rest of the family skis or swims or hikes. But especially in the last year, I haven't had a choice. I've been in pain constantly and so tired I couldn't do anything.
It doesn't seem to matter if I work out like a mad woman and eat nuts and berries -- or sit on my ass and do absolutely nothing -- I only feel a little better. If I feel great it doesn't last. I finally started doing some research and had figured I had a thyroid problem. (see  I have been on thyroid medicine for months -- I felt great the first 6 weeks then nothing. 
Finally about a month ago -- so exhausted all I could do was cry -- I went to see a doctor a friend recommended... one last chance.  This guy Dr. Tom Archie ( integrated medicine and tested my adrenal glands. 
Sure enough: flatlined. 
So I'm on all sorts of herbs, a pharmaceutical or two and accupuncture once a week. 
He warned me it would be slow progress. But I do know I don't feel like I've been drugged every afternoon. I sleep almost every night -- for 6 or  7 hours which is great for me!
Progress -- I think so.
Like the robin is a sign of renewal -- of spring's new growth -- maybe it's a sign or  renewal for me.
No -- there's no maybe... I know it is!

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