Conversations

You know those voices in your head? The ones you argue with each time you try to make a decision? For years, I thought it was the good ol' angel/devil on my shoulder, but thanks to the inspiration from Megan, my counselor (www.peacewithfood.com) and the book "Life without Ed" by Jenni Schaefer.(www.jennischaefer.com) along with "Eating in the Light of the Moon" (www.DrAnitaJohnston.com) I've been able to separate the voices from my own inner voice. Maybe it's the voice of my soul. What I do know, is that it's my own true voice.

I have to admit Vicki is throwing a fit today. Last night, we celebrated my 40th birthday. I'm hung over. I decided to take the day off. I'm still in my pajamas. I've done very little today but eat and sleep. The way I see it, that no big deal. I drink so rarely afterall. I drank last night so I'm being a sloth today and it feels good.
Vicki is enraged. She's such a bitch. She keeps telling me about all the things I should be doing. Sometimes it's hard to tell her voice from mine, but I'm pretty sure it's her telling me I should be cleaning house or something. Right now she's fighting me because I want to write a book about this journey I've been on. Vicki keeps telling me I'll just be making a fool of myself.
Gawd, I hate that woman.
One of the things Megan(http://www.peacewithfood.com ) encourages me to do is write out the dialogues I have with Vicki and ED.
Here are several. I wrote the most recent one Jan. 3. I really want this blog and a book I'd like to write to be of inspriration to other women. Vicki says I can't do it.
Vicki:
You know you have nothing to offer other women. You're still too fat. Why would anyone believe you?
Karma:
I have to try. I'll regret it if I don't at least try.
V:
You're going to make a fool of yourself. You know knowing and, oh, by the way, YOU'RE STILL FAT. You'll be laughted out of the room.
K:
If I help just one person -- if just one person finds inspriation -- than my goal is fulfilled. The rest is trivia.
V:
You disgust me. You're an idiot for thinking you can offer anything to others -- especially when you look in the mirror sister. Who do you know that couldn't zip of their pants yesterday? You can't help anybody. At least until you've started to lose weight.
K:
Who is more pathetic? You thrive on other people's weakness. You have no value. You are hollow. You only exist because I allow you to. Without me, you are nothing. Without you, I am everything.

Here are some other dialogues:
ED:
You're hungry.
Karma:
No, I'm thirsty.
ED:
Listen to me. Your stomach growling. For something sweet.
K
No, I'm just overwhelmed and frustrated. If anythging, I'll have some tea.
Vicki:
Didn't you see that commercial? You should take a weight loss drug. It would expedite your weight loss and get you to where you should be.
K:
I need to go to bed, but I want to watch this show. You two need to die.


Karma
I think I’ll go for a walk in the morning.
Vicki
No. It will be too cold. And besides you can sleep in tomorrow. For the first time in weeks.
Karma
So – I want to take a walk.
Vicki
You can’t wear you boots, with your ankle still infected. It will be too snowy. You should stay in.
Karma
If it’s too snowy, I’ll find something else to do – maybe I’ll work out with my band and ball
Vicki
You’ve been wishing for time to sleep in and you’ll get it tomorrow – just sleep in.
Karma
I’ve been wishing for time to exercise. Without the pressure of getting the kids to school, I can take a morning stroll.
Vicki
Look, you haven’t been feeling well, Your ankle hurts. Rest. Rest is what you need.
Karma
You know, the only reason you don’t want me to take a walk is because if I get healthy you’ll be too weak to control my life. That’s not my problem. It’s yours.

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Vicki
You know you’re a big failure. You didn’t get everything done for Christmas in time. You still have a ton of shipping. The house is a mess. You spent too much money. You have people arriving tomorrow and you’re no where near ready. You’ll never get it all done and if you do, it will be half assed. You should be ashamed of yourself. You once again tried to do too much. When will you ever learn?

Karma
You know, I’m ahead of where I was this time last year. I’ll get done what I can get done and the rest can wait. The point is to enjoy the holiday.

Vicki
Your inlaws will be here Saturday and this house is a pit. You don’t have the craft projects ready for the kids. You’re going to disappoint everyone.

Karma
That would be someone else’s problem. What needs to get done will get done. Other moms can help with the craft stuff – and the kids can play outside or watch a movie. Maybe they won’t want to do crafts anyway. The point of the day is to spend time with family. The rest is trivia.
Vicki
But it would be much better if you could make them envious. You should be able to prove to them how organized and capable you are not what a wretched slob you are. They’re pathetic people, show them how good you are.
Karma
They are pathetic in some cases, but I’m not going to lower myself to their level. I’m going to enjoy time with my family. If someone is not comfortable, they can leave.
Vicki
They’re going to continue to think of you as a big ol fat slob and you’re going to deserve the title.
Karma
No I’m not. I am who I am. If they can’t handle it, it’s their problem. Not mine.
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Vicki
Gawd you’re fat and disgusting. Don’t you look into the mirror before you go out?
Karma
You know, I’m not here to win a fashion contest. I’m just here to help with the Girl Scout meeting.
Vicki
Those other mothers and kids must think you’re pathetic.
Karma
I don’t care what those other mother’s think. I’m here to support my daughter and her friends.
Vicki
You know they make clothes that flatter your body more. Maybe you shouldn’t volunteer for anything until you've lost weight.
Karma
I like to help. Anna, the leader, works very hard for little recognition and little help. I just need to support here and share my daughter’s life. Besides I love being around the kids and all the hugs.
Vicki
You don’t really deserve those hugs. You’re too fat.
If you weren’t fat you wouldn’t need hugs from small children.
Karma
You know – I love these girls and I’m a good role model. I’ll be an even better role model when you’re dead and I hope that’s soon.
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Vicki
You absolutely cannot write that book. You shouldn’t even think about it. You’re too fat. No one is going to believe you You might be able to do something after you’ve lost some weight, but not now. Don’t even bother.
Karma
Maybe I’ll catch the eye of a publisher. Maybe I’m just what they’re looking for and will want to work through the journey with me. If you’re right, I’ll just try again later. But I don’t think it will hurt to try.
Vicki
You’re going to humiliate your family and yourself. You’re going to be laughed at
Karma
I think I might just get laughed all the way to the bank. And to top it off. I might help someone else.
Vicki
You’ll probably get sued for offering poor advice or quoting without attribution or something. Don’t be stupid -- write on your little blog if you want. Maybe even for the local paper, but don’ try to do a book. That’s just stupid.
Karma
No – I’ll regret it if I don’t try.