Thursday, August 31, 2006

An Update

So I had the "big talk" with Clem on the 20th. Told him I wanted a separation. He handled it much better than I expected. He agreed to go to counseling, which we started last week. He said he had no idea I was that unhappy. Geeze Clem I haven't worn my wedding ring since February.
He asked if I had a boyfriend. Oh yeah, in my spare time. He's still convinced that none of it is my fault. That is all about my depression -- I was depressed before and now I'm just more depressed. My mother just died you big dumb shit -- duh? If you'd even been a little in tune you'd get that. He told me last night I should have told him I needed more. What part of "My mother just died and you're supposed to take care of me as I was in no position to take care of myself did you just not understand?" God are you really that clueless?
I think it's going to take me a while to get over this --
Anywhoooo -- I noticed the most bizarre shift over the weekend. I had been on pins and needles trying to decide if I was leaving or not -- I had made arrangements to rent a house and everything -- but I was out in the yard and I just realized I wanted to stay in my house -- Not that I'm not ready to go at any time -- but I do love my house and my life so as long as things are progressing forward through counseling etc -- I'll hang in there. The reality trying to separate just before school is starting for the kids and just after my mother died was more than I could handle. I don't know if it's the Zoloft kicking in or what -- but my instincts are telling me to stay -- if only for a little while longer. I hope it's not a decision I will regret.
I keep thinking I'm due for a break down -- that it would be justified -- but the wierd thing is I haven't felt this strong in a long time -- How about that? Right in the middle of the biggest stressors in my life and I'm ok -- who would've thunk it??
I'm really, really, looking forward to going to New Jersey to see Dan the first weekend in Oct. I think Cyndi might go with me. It's ok if she doesn't -- but I'd feel a little better if she did cause it feels a little wierd to go vist a single guy when I'm married to his cousin -- especially when I think he's so darned special. But I've never been east and Dan and I have a cool connection and I'll get to see some of Clem's relatives that I really like -- AND SEE THE THE BLUE MAN GROUP IN NYC!!!!!
Yeah for me!
But I'm a little afraid to fly -cuz last time I flew I couldn't get the seatbelt on -- and that was the most humiliating thing in the whole entire world -- I just broke down and sobbed for a minute...I wanted to fall out over the Pacific Ocean -- I'm hoping United has bigger seat belts than Delta --
And I feel like such a bad mommy cause I scheduled a trip over Patti's birthday -- I was thinking I would be able to find a babysitter to help Clem that weekend because school is out Thursday and Friday -- but yesterday I realized it's her 6th birthday and since my kids only get BIG birthday parties every 3 years, this is sort of a big one. She says she's ok with celebrating a week early -- a trip to Chuck E Cheese makes thing seem a lot less yucky I guess.

1 comment:

margi said...

Oh, honey..so many things.

First of all, you've been on my mind constantly. I've wanted to call, but never felt like it was the appropriate time, you know? I'm glad you updated, 'cause I've been wondering/worrying about 'cha. Way back in the recesses of my mind I did think maybe you'd wanna keep the house. I know how much you love it. I'm glad Clem said yes to therapy. You should hit him with a club by four and say exactly what you wrote here, "yeah, dumbass, my Mother just died....etc" Bonehead. Men are just fucking boneheads sometimes. Even Tacoito..a fairly compassionate guy by most guy standards can be a major bonehead sometimes.

You're going to NYC? How cool is that? Congratulations. Now, Karma, honey, you've seen Blue Man. See something else. Hell, see Les Mis if it's still playaing. Don't worry about Dan...just have fun!

And, sweet girl...do not worry or fret about the seat belt, please. All the airlines have extenders. When you board the plane, find the flight attendant in charge of your area. Show her your seat number, and say, "I'm going to need an extender." She'll smile, and say, "no problem, I'll get you one in just a few mins." Extenders are the pieces of seat belt they use to show you how to buckle and unbuckle when they do the little safety thing. Don't be embarressed. Don't be ashamed. Do not fear! Fuck the world that worries about such trivial things. Your comfort and safety are much more important. Get your seatbelt fastened, forget about it, have a fantastic flight, and trip.

I love you. You know that, don't you?