Monday, July 27, 2009

Planning for control

It's almost comical how easy it is for me to get off track. I look through the entries on this blog and am always surprised at what I've written. I sat down today to write something about gaining control and eliminating clutter only to find I did that the last time.
I've written often about water and it's meaning in my life. I wish I knew more about boating to make this anology work -- but stick with me, I think you'll see what I mean. (And if any of you know about boating and see the need to correct something, please comment!)
When I first started coming out of the eating disorder, I wrote about floating along with the current. Just allowing it to take me where it wanted. All the while, holding desparately to this log that gave me the perception of staying afloat. In reality, the water is not very deep -- it never was. I just needed to stand up and walk to the river's edge, choosing to follow my own path instead of the current.
Today, I feel like I'm yet again adrift. This time, the river has led me to a beautiful lake filled with opportunity. The wind has filled my sails and I'm moving rapidly between destinations, never staying long enough to put down anchor -- just visiting until the wind blows me another direction. Perhaps it's time to put down my sails and just use my rutter. From the helm of my ship, I can determine and control my own destiny.
My problem is, I've been bouncing between ports so long I'm confused. I don't know where or who I am anymore. Every destination I can think of is ripe with risk -- there is a potential for pain everywhere.
I know somewhere on this site, I've written about just embracing the pain as part of revolution. Just going through it without fear and moving forward. Maybe that's, indeed, the direction I need to go.
A long lost, but now found, friend told me I needed to stop living for everyone else and start living for myself. He sees me as having a conflicted heart. I know he's right, but I also know that might be the most difficult thing I could do. As a mother, am I not supposed to live for my children? Aren't I being selfish? And here's the clencher: DO I DESERVE TO DO THAT?!
Now if I were offering counsel to a friend, I was say the following:
"You're not being selfish or neglecting your children, you are taking care of yourself so that you can take better care of their children and allowing them the empowerment to do the same. OF COURSE you deserve this. Remember that old saying, 'God/the Universe only answers yes?' Do you deserve this? Well yes! It's only your voice saying no. No one else is preventing you from reaching your divine destiny. You're just caught up in fear to the point you cannot see the answers are right in front of you."
I'm not very good at taking my own advice, but seeing it here in print, it makes perfect sense.
So again, let's go back to what it means to be me?
I love to write and I'm good at it, yet I spend very little time on it because I'm too busy, guess what? Serving other peoples needs.
I love to create art and sew but I don't do much because guess what ? I'm too busy serving other peoples needs!
I have created a space for both that doesn't even come close to allowing me the freedom to create or write because I've shoved too much other stuff into it. It's a metaphor for my life.
Holy crap -- I can't be me because I'm too busy shoving, stuffind and dumping to be able to!
While it may be getting repetitive, I have to do this again. Today I vow to eliminate the clutter; physical, emotional and other from my life.
I vow to find time each day to do something I love -- beyond working out, beyond physically taking care of myself as that is a necessary thing each day. I will find an hour or more each day to bless my soul as well as my body.
Ok -- I can bless my body with good quality food and exercise each day
I bless my soul with allowing it the time and energy to create art and words that I love
I can bless my mind by.... surrounding myself with my posse of angels that inspire, endure and unwaveringly care about my well being.
This all sounds so easy until I look around the room and see the massive amouns of clutter -- and I worry I'll get off track.
We know how to eat elephants, right? One bite at a time.
So perhaps the fourth spoke on my wheel of control is allowing myself time to do general maintance. Even 15 minutes a day working on clutter of the physical, mental and spirtual kind could make a huge difference to my and my attitude.
To review: 1) Bless my body 2)bless my soul 3)bless my mind and 4) eliminate the things that don't bless me a little every day until they're gone.
In doing so, only then, can I break free from this prison of indecision.

1 comment:

suzanneamlin said...

wow! your words are turly inspiring! i have never heard of the eating elephants thing! I will now the remember that and inorporate that into my way of thinking! You need to take care of you first and fore most, or you will not have the energy for your kids, friends, etc. I have learned that the hard way on the journey to find me.