Monday, March 23, 2009

My true calling

I had the most interesting conversation this morning. 
Remember the accupuncturist I saw last fall? The one who looks like a combination of Chris Isack and Lyle Lovett?
Well -- he's on sabatical in Hawaii right now, but I managed to get in touch with him. Here's why. I've been looking back on the last six months -- analyzing what when wrong and right. I felt great when I was getting his treatments -- or so I thought.
He's now practicing evolutionary astrology -- a way of using your astrological signs as a tool to find your true calling in life.
I've never paid a lot of attention to astrology. It's fun, but I take it with a grain of salt. But, I really like this guy and he really helped me in the past. So -- what the hell?
Any -- to make a long story short, he said that according to my signs I need to focus on communication... that writing is my true destiny and calling... In fact -- that all of the drama and trials I've had in my life are designed to provide me with a story to tell -- and that other will be healed ...
We've talked about this before in this space -- So he didn't tell me anything I didn't really know. But here's the thing -- I kept thinking he was the reason I felt so good last fall -- but after going through the notes of my conversation, I think the reason I felt so good was that I was writing for myself more than at any other time in my life. I was working on the book.  I was speaking my truth --honestly and openly.
He says there is a whole in my soul -- my communication is leaking out -- because things are out of balance at home. I need to communicate more honestly with my husband -- but I'm afraid. In the past, when I've been honest with him, he's reacted in rage -- so I'm afraid to talk to him. But because communication is such a big part of who I am, the inability to talk safely is draining me all my energy and my power.
Makes sense when you put it that way.  So I'm going to go with Clem to the next counseling session -- and in the meantime, try to be more forthright with him. I'm scared to death on some levels -- but as he pointed out -- it takes more energy to withhold my truth that it does to deal with the potential reaction.  It's like that country song: "When you're going through hell, just keep on going..."
I was headed down the right path last fall and got off track -- with good reason. But now I need to find the strength within me to get back on my true path. Here's the kicker -- there's a part of me that doesn't want to work on the book -- or even this blog -- because somewhere in my head is this voice that says, "Who do you think you are? You have nothing to offer anyone else? You're just writing self serving dribbles." 
On some level, I understand that it only have to heal me -- that my writing doesn't need to help anyone else, really. But there's also a part of me that has an overwhelming desire to help someone else. The catch is to find balance between helping others -- I need to nourish myself, physically, mentally and spiritually, as much or more than I do everyone else.
 I suck at that!
My instincts are to disconnect -- and like I said in an earlier post -- reconnect with my soul and my roots in the land and animals of this farm.... The catch will be allowing myself the freedom to do that...
Still trying to think of a new name for the blog.... let me know if you have ideas...

1 comment:

missy moo said...

Everyone gets negative talk in their head so i don't believe that's your instincts. Your truth sounds like what your writing and you are very good at writing! Keep going, don;t stop. Through your writing you do help others while helping yourself. Thanks again for another inspiring read!