Tuesday, July 25, 2006

not again, not again, not again.

Well crap, shit, fuck, damn and everything.
I just binged -- ahhhh damn, damn, damn
I'm feeling tired and sorry for myself and I stuffed myself silly -- Gawd I wish I could think of a better way to cope with crap -- what do other people do? -- everything I can think of just feels destructive.
This sucks so very much.
What I do know is that I want to be held. Held by a big strong man who will just hold me without groping me. He will hold me and tell me I'm beautiful and that everything's going to be ok. He'll adore me and enjoy spending time with me. I'll be his best friend and he'll be mine.
Instead, I have my husband who will attempt to hold me, but will eventually grope me and then it becomes something sexual instead of something nuturing, kind.
I realize what you're thinking -- it's that psycho babble mumbo jumble -- "but Karma you have to love yourself first -- you have to be willing to hold yourself -- comfort yourself -- God can fill the void."
Whatever.
You know, I do realize, of course, I'm fabulous -- but you know a girl's got needs --- and I've had it waiting around for God or anybody else to take care of me because it's not gotten me very fucking far now has it?
Taking care of myself is a lonely and frustrating option -- it might work if I had a single solitary coping skill but I don't and I simply have no idea what to do when I feel like crap.
If I sleep, I feel like I'm lazy
If I read, I feel like I should be working
If I work outside, I feel like I should be inside and vice versa.
If I eat, well you have to eat to live so that's productive right.
Well not if you stuff yourself.
Holy crap -- why does that make sense to me when I'm in the middle of it and then I feel so crappy immediately after?
I would simply LOVE to go a day and not obsess about food.
Not have to worry if it were good or bad -- how many fat calories it contained if I am eating at the right time of day.
How would it be to just eat cause I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.
Simple and completely impossible at the same time.
There has got to be a better way to deal with reality.
If I write, I suppose that's good. But I'm sitting here thinking about how tired I am -- how stuffed I am and how much work needs to be done around the house and yard and how much I just want to curl up in bed.
Perhaps I should take some sort of medication.
Is that a cop out?

1 comment:

Sallyacious said...

No. Medication is NOT a copout. Often, it will still the whirlwind long enough for your to get to the source of the problem. It's not a solution in and of itself, but it can help you find enough clarity to begin healing.

Go see Julie the acupuncturist. It sounds like everything in your life is out of balance and you need some help with that. (Ask her about the valium point.) If I were there, I would give you a treatment or six.

And take a little time every day to just enjoy being in your skin. Not to address everyone else's needs, but to just exist and to enjoy that. If it means taking a walk, take a walk. If it means feeding your chickens, feed your chickens. If it means writing or weeding, or reading or just lying in the sun, take that time.

If I had to guess, you are giving, giving, giving to everyone else, and not getting anything back, in part because you won't accept it. So you eat because that's a form of nurturing and it's the only kind you're getting.

You're a great and loving person, Karm, but you're not this overflowing, unending horn of plenty. You must take care of you or you won't be able to take care of anybody.

The most important thing in a garden is healthy soil, right? If you keep planting and harvesting without putting anything back into the soil, eventually nothing will grow. The same is true for a soul.

So. Set aside some time each day just to be with Karma. Not with anybody else. I'm not saying do this for hours a day, carve out 15 minutes for yourself. 15 minutes a day that is yours alone.

Your children will not die, your house will not fall apart. You will not be a bad mother or human being. It will annoy everybody at first, and they will try all sorts of ways around it, but stand firm. Do not give in on this.

You're in danger of giving yourself entirely away, but once you do that, there's nothing more to give.

Okay. I'm done with being bossy for the day. (I think.) I love you, Karma, lots of people love you. You don't have to prove your worth to anyone but yourself.